After years of trying to escape myself — using jobs, titles, and “security” to define who I was — I finally realized something:

Nothing was ever going to make me feel safe or fulfilled…
because I never felt that for myself.

In 2021 I moved to LA and I built my dream life. I worked in Entertainment for some of the biggest TV shows — The Price is Right, The Drew Barrymore Show, Dr. Phil, America’s Sweethearts, etc.

I lived in a high-rise in the heart of LA with my best friend and a view of the whole city.

I was cruising all over the USA filming and partying my way through life.

And yet, I was miserable.

I was hospitalized 4 times over the course of 4 years for 4 (and almost died during one of my hospital stays).

I was having suicidal thoughts and had to leave my job for 6 weeks to get a grip on my mental health. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was on Lexapro for the next 2 years.

But then it gets better ;):

My best friend and I parted ways.

I lost my job twice

then got fired from the next 2 jobs

I was financially dependent on my parents

and I had to move in with my mom for a year.

Fun times.

I blamed the world for my problems: The industry, the friend, the economy, the apartment building, my parents’ parenting. Whoever and whatever I could find, I blamed (except my cat, Harley, because he is a perfect being that could never do anything wrong).

So I left LA with the idea in my head that because I never went after my dream of being a podcaster this is why I was never happy.

And I built my dream life (again).

A podcast I loved (and still do)

New friends I love (and still do)

New City I love (and still do)

Freedom to Travel (and still do)

And yet, I was still miserable.

How could I be miserable after creating my REAL dream life… FINALLY?

After 4 years and $30,000 spent on coaches and therapy, listening to 10,000 hours plus of podcast, meditating, journaling, setting boundaries, doing everything every self-help book has literally ever taught me… how could I still feel this f’in way??

And then… it hit me like a fucking ton of bricks.

I woke up from a nap thinking back to my time in LA, and I saw it: every time life got good, the suicidal thoughts came back — because deep down, I believed I wasn't worthy of living that life.

Every action I took was to prove my worth.

Worthy of love.

Worthy of success.

Worthy of existing.

I realized In order to build a life I truly loved, I must first build myself.

I must learn to love myself and trust myself.

I must find safety in myself.

No company was going to give me security.
No job title was going to give me fulfillment.
And no one else was going to make me feel loved.

That part? That was on me.

And once I saw that, everything changed.

I stopped searching for the “right” path…
and started building my own.

That’s what led me here.

I will be the biggest podcaster in the world but it’s because I figured out how to love and protect myself first.

Because the thing you keep coming back to — the interest, the curiosity, the little voice in the pit of your stomach — it’s not nothing and it’s absolutely not random.
There is a way to turn it into something real.

But it starts by building the relationship with yourself and understanding you are an unstoppable human being.

xoxo, Riley